It is currently 2am on Monday the 4th of June and this blog post is due up in a number of hours. Normally I have the blog and picture all prepared almost a week before it is due to go up, but this week I am unprepared because this week I am scared.
All week I have been trying to write yet I have been unable because I am so scared of letting something slip that I should have explained last week and therefore in holding my words back I am unable to say anything at all. You see last week in my post ….. I came clean about a new problem I have, that being the problem of me binge drinking alcohol, but what I did not mention is a consequence that has come from that binge drinking and it is that consequence that I want to talk about today.
I am so scared to admit it because it is something that has both been terrifying and upsetting me lately, even though it is nothing to be ashamed of. I feel like a right idiot and hypocrite for being so upset about it considering I would be the first person to tell anyone out there that what I am about to say doesn’t mean anything and doesn’t show how ill or well anyone is, but I cannot help it.
I am shaking as I am writing this and it is so stupid because it isn’t even a big deal. I am sure all of you out there are going to be thinking that I am about to admit to murdering penguins or something as I am making it out to be such a big and terrible crime, when really it is all going to be incredibly disappointing when I actually get round to spitting it out. Oh God I am practically going delirious with fear and I can’t believe I am actually going to come out with it. Ok, shut up Katie, just get round to the point.
So here goes, here is my confession: I am a healthy weight.
OH MY GOODNESS! I CANNOT BELIEVE I ADMITTED IT! WHY IS THIS SO HARD, GAH, WHY.
I have just read back all that I have written and good lord it is the biggest amount of codswallop I have ever read. What am I even doing? What is going on?
Right, time to explain. So like I said last week, I have started binge drinking and I have been binge drinking every day for almost two months now, pretty much ever since my suicide attempt. When I started I was extremely underweight and you all probably think that that is still the case, but in actual fact it is not. You see, before I started binge drinking, I was barely eating anything, but then I got drunk for the first time and in my drunken stupor I started eating. I have heard of other people with eating disorders turning to drink and from several people I have heard that they tend to replace food with alcohol when this happens, but this is not how it has happened with me. You see when I get drunk, I get happy and I don’t care about anything and consequently I eat and that is what I have done for the past two months. “You have eaten food” I hear you cry “what kind of a confession is that?” But when I say I have eaten food I mean I have eaten out of control, drunken quantities of food and because of this I have gained a lot of weight. I don’t want to admit this because I am extremely ashamed but I have gone from being very underweight to being a healthy weight in two months. It has been extremely traumatic and what’s worse is that I cannot seem to stop. Weeks ago I said that I was going to stop drinking so that I could lose all the weight, but I still haven’t managed to do that and so the weight is piling on. Even worse than that is it is all a vicious circle. You see one thing I didn’t mention last week was one of the big reasons why I drink and that reason is that it helps me deal with all this new unexpected and extremely painful weight gain. Problem is, I drink to make myself feel better about the weight and consequently eat which makes me gain more weight, hence this most vicious of vicious circles that I am stuck in. It is like a massive whirlpool from Moby Dick (in actual fact there is no whirlpool in Moby Dick but I just wanted to use this opportunity to drop in a Moby Dick reference to show off the fact that I have read that massive book).
I have decided that from the day I put up this blog I am going to have a new start, no alcohol and I am going to try and lose this weight again because like I said it is making my eating disorder scream louder and making me want to drink alcohol more which I really need to give up. In the interests of losing all this weight again I have joined a gym and come up with a new meal plan to try and help me, but I have no idea how I am going to do it because I cannot seem to give up alcohol and I am scared. I am scared that I will never get sober and that I will gain so much weight I will get overweight .
I guess here is where I should probably take a moment to explain why I think all of this is such a big deal because in actual fact being a healthy weight is not a big deal at all as I have said multiple times. Being a healthy weight doesn’t mean I have recovered from anorexia, far from it, I am so distressed by anorexic thoughts that I have been driven to drink, and I am no less anorexic than I was two months ago, but I worry that all of you reading this will now think that I am not worthy of listening to. It is ridiculous because I would never think that of anyone else, but my brain is just such a mess.
If anyone else were a healthy weight I would listen to them and hear them as much as anyone but I worry that all of you only read my blog because I am underweight and now I am a healthy weight I am terrified that you won’t like me anymore. Does that make sense? Gah THIS IS SO STUPID! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? Oh purple pansies I don’t know what else to say because I am so anxious about posting this…maybe I can distract you from all of what is going on…OH MY GOODNESS LOOK A TURTLE!
GAH ok so what is the message of this post? What am I saying? Well, I have no idea and to be honest I am flip flapping all over the place, but basically what I wanted to update you on this week is the fact that I am still struggling to stop drinking alcohol since my suicide attempt and that this alcohol has made me gain a lot of weight which I now need to lose but please don’t stop listening to me because of all this because oh dear no please. Ok, now for me to run away and pray you don’t hate me. Cool…bye!
Take care everyone x
28 thoughts on “My Alcohol Confession Part Two”
Katie you lovely human bean, I have no answers, but I am extremely worried about you (I hope you don’t mind the public declare of worry). Is there more intensive support available for you? I know your extreme disdain of all places hospitally so that probably feels like an awful suggestion, akin to actually becoming a penguin murderer. I have a lot of love for you, I really really want you to be okay. I’m worried about how painful this is for you and the toll on your well-being. I wish there was something I could do. Heck – you could set up camp in my flat if only that would help! I really hope things improve. I wonder if creating a brand new daily routine could help? Though I know OCD manipulates things. Oh honestly I have no idea what I’m talking about. Just know that this old sod in Birmingham really really cares about you!!
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AWW Hannah you are always so lovely and kind to me I don’t know what to say. Unfortunately it doesn’t really look like there is any more intensive support available apart from this long term mental health retreat place which people are talking about but I really don’t want to go there as I looked around and really didn’t like it at all. In my eyes the plan is to get better somehow at home…I just wish I knew how although I really am starting to think that inpatient might be needed after your suggestion (don’t worry, saying it doesn’t make you akin to a penguin murderer). I am just very confused at the moment but I could not appreciate your kindness and support more and that is what I really wanted to get across in this comment. The offer for me to set up camp in your flat made my mum cry it was so cute and now the whole family agrees with me on how lovely you are. Thank you so much “old sod” in Birmingham (I AM NOT CALLING YOU AN OLD SOD I AM JUST QUOTING YOU I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE OLD OR A SOD THANK YOU VERY MUCH). Anyway now even I am confused about what I am talking about and it looks like I am rambling so I will stop and just say thank you for being amazing and for helping me out with this post. I really appreciate it. LOVE YOU MILLIONS xxx
Oh Katie, I’m really sorry you’re struggling so much. But it’s NOT something you should be ashamed of. You are at healthy weight and that’s great!!!! Do you remember your posts about being in the hospital because of the “excess water drinking problem”, you were really unwell and being super underweight didn’t help at all !!
Look at it from another perspective: ok, alcohol is something you shouldn’t do and you should STOP immediately. BUT the bright side of this “alcoholic season” of your life is that it was probably the only thing that could help you to get to the physically “healthier” state. I know you fear that people would not see you as “ill”, but people usually do what they truly want when their drunk. So maybe you, somewhere deep inside, want to get better and be healthy and enjoy life again. And that’s NOTHING wrong with it !!!
Maybe it’s not enough for you, but at least I would certainly read EVERY article you post, because I really like your humor and style of writing. And if you write your article about a great concert you’ve been to or your first day in your dream job, I would still be excited to read it every Monday after I come home from work.
So please don’t try to loose weight again. When you stop drinking I think you’ll loose some weight naturally, because most of it is certainly just water (alcohol dehydrates your body, so your body probably just try to keep as much water as it can).
Please, stay safe!
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Thank you so much for this comment my dear, it really helped putting a positive spin on the situation at the moment. To be honest I couldn’t hate being a healthy weight more if I tried but I know that like you said it is technically safer for me. Hopefully I will get used to it but still I do want to lose a bit because it is rather unbearable at the moment. Still I wanted to thank you for reminding me of the positive in this comment and for saying that you will continue to read my blog. Seriously knowing that you are still there for me means the world so thank you very much for that. I really hope you are well and know that I am here for you if you need. Thank you for your support and please take care of yourself, Katie xxx
Aww, my girl! THIS IS SO COMMON. I want that to reassure you! It is so common for people with EDs to turn to alcohol and eat more, gain weight. It happens, because EDs and addiction are so sneaky/tricky and tied in with anxiety and depression — well, it’s complex to deal with. I don’t want you to lose weight to be underweight again, because that serves no one (and doesn’t make this blog & struggles any more or less ‘valid.’ I know the ED voice is telling you otherwise, but I’m telling you it’s 100% wrong.
My only advice here is to try and tackle things one at a time, otherwise it might just be too overwhelming. Are you getting support for everything now? Everything is very intertwined and I wish you could deal with all at once, but I think you’ve mentioned before that you have a different treatment team for each individual condition.
It makes me sad that your confession of gaining weight, eating more, binge eating, etc. makes you feel so ashamed. Not that you should be ashamed of binge drinking, but neither one is really ‘worse’… And at the same time, I also understand (not on a logical level, but my deep ED mind can).
Please try to focus on healing, not just swapping out negative coping mechanisms/addictions. Restricting is not a fix for binge drinking/binge eating!
Hugs to you.
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This is common? Really? OMG THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT THINGS I THOUGHT THIS WAS JUST ME! Thank you for letting me know this!
Unfortunately I am not really getting all the support i need at the moment because all of my teams are in a bit of shock and don’t know what to do with me but hopefully that will sort out soon… it better had anyway! Much love x
BTW, I don’t read this blog because you’re “Katie the anorexic” and I’m guessing no one else does. We read because we love your writing. You could write out the phone book and add some funny quips and analogies and we’d all still be reading! Seriously. No one reading cares about your weight AT ALL. Promise!
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So true! Going to quote this when i share this post on fb if that’s ok! Xx
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A jolly good quote it is too!
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Thank you xxxxxxx
THIS IS THE MOST WONDERFUL PARAGRAPH I HAVE EVER READ. THANK YOU BEAUTIFUL HUMAN. THANK YOU XXXXXXX
Katie you are so courageous and so strong. I want to say that before anything else. You have a huge amount of awareness of yourself and though the self you see is, at the moment, a struggling one, that is still an impressive thing. I can’t claim to have any answers or solutions for you, if I had a magic wand to take away what you’re going through I would in an instant. I just want to say I really don’t think trying to restrict/exercise and lose the weight is the best thing to do. Being a healthy weight is a good thing for your survival at the moment however it came about and now it’s time to really tackle the thoughts underneath it. I know that’s so much easier said than done, I really do know that. And like I said I don’t have a solution for you I’m sorry. But one step at a time, tackle one thing at a time, think about the little step in front of you not the mountain you’re climbing and you ARE going to get there. We can all see the Katie underneath all the other stuff that’s smothering you. It absolutely doesn’t define you and you don’t need to hold onto it for identity. You have so much to offer and so much you’re already giving to SO many people. Try hold onto that as a reason for pressing forward. If you can distract yourself, keep yourself busy, keep your brain working and yourself occupied, maybe that can help a little bit. We are all behind you. Every little step of the way.
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AWW thank you so much for this comment, seriously that is so kind of you to say. I have to say I also wish that you had a magic wand to fix all of this but if you don’t then I want you to know that your words have helped enough and I really appreciate them. I promise I will keep going and will try to do as you say and stay as healthy as I can to work out the thoughts underneath. You are wonderful, thank you ❤ xxx
I am actually more likely to continue reading blogs if I feel someone is trying to move away from their eating disorder. Shamefully, I find it too difficult when people are extremely underweight as I think “how can they know how awful it really is when they are so underweight” and so I actually feel more drawn to reading about people who are closer to their healthy weight AND yet still grapple with the devil. This part is so widely ignored and yet it’s the hardest (insert expletive) part. But actually that’s not why I read and follow you- I do that because I choose to and want to and am hoping for the day that I see more Katie. But if it helps, I am actually feeling more of a connection now than previously. And I am totally aware of how utterly messed up that sounds. But hey, eds are messed up, people are messed up and life is messed up! Nothing ever fits inside those neat little boxes we’re taught and told about.
I’m sorry you feel so shocking and I wish I could take that pain away for you, but there is also some kind of hope brewing and I am really messing up how I say this and please deletenif it hurts or upsets you or is wrong (it is wrong!) but I am very very very clumsily trying to say that in a sick and twisted way, today’s post has made me want to keep following, because I am so fricking proud (is that a swear word? If so, delete that too!) that you have had the courage to speak about something that happens to WWWWWWAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY more people than social media would have you believe. And Katie? It is YOU I am drawn to, not a number on a scale or a measurement or clothes size. It is YOU and your willingness and talent to explain things that others find themselves unable to do. Big squishy hugs from me xx
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YOU ARE A TRULY WONDERFUL HUMAN BEAN! SERIOUSLY that comment is so lovely and helpful and awesome that I don’t actually know what to say in response other than thank you so much for all your kind words AND thank you for reassuring me that this is actually a common thing that isn’t just happening to me. I was really worried that I was just some mutant freak struggling with this issue but to know that I am not alone is extremely comforting. Also thank you so much for reading and continuing to read my blog, honestly without you my blog would just be nothing at all so I really am grateful to you for being here and for sticking with me. Thank you so much for such a wonderful comment you are wonderful. I hope you know I am always here for you too and hope you are having a fabulous day. Big squishy hugs right back to you ❤ xxxx
I am an anon who has popped in to see how you’re doing off and on for a couple of years now. I love your blog and agree with Edisorder9 that this most recent post feels more connecting somehow.
I think the position you are in now is very concerning and I hope your team are looking after you/watching you very carefully. I would say you are MORE at risk now than when you were in a numb low weight bubble. The torment and shame you describe at finding yourself at a normal weight is intense (and sadly very common) and you are far far from recovered. Please hang on and look after yourself. This drinking won’t last forever. You will find a way through with professional support and from other people who have been there/are there.
You have nothing to be ashamed about. Rather you should feel proud for pushing on despite your suffering.
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Why thank you so much anon! I am very grateful to you for popping in to see how I am. If you were not anon I would pop in and see how you are too but of course I would like to respect your privacy and mystery that you have going on there. Thank you for such a lovely comment though and for seeing that I am still in need of support even though I am a healthy weight now. I promise I will keep looking after myself and trying to get through all of this. You are lovely. Please know that even though you are anon I am here for you too and will do anything I can to help if needed. Have a fabulous day ❤ xxxx
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling so much at the moment! Alcohol is bad for you and you should stop, but being a healthy weight isn’t bad at all! It is a good thing.
I’m at a healthy weight and for the first time in years, my life is good. My grades are good, I’m going out with friends, my relationship with my father is better and my relationship with my body is also better! Being healthy is good! Do not try to lose weight again please! I would hate to see you underweight!
And I know your struggle is real, I believe you no matter how much you weigh. I read your blog because you are talented, not because you are underweight.
Kisses from Portugal ❤
Yay! We can be a healthy weight together then! It makes me so happy to hear that you are a healthy weight too and that other aspects of your life are improving! We will have to do this together as always! Thank you for being there to support me and for reading my blog as always, kisses from England ❤ xxxx
I hear so many “all or nothings” here. I am wondering if joining a gym and making a weight loss plan is really the best response to all of this. I understand that your eating disorder voices are screaming right now, but I would imagine if not this they would scream about something else because that is really all they know how to do. I remember telling my son that I refused to negotiate, debate, or even have coffee with the eating disorder voice. That voice was not logical and the goal was not to convince me why all of these behaviors are necessary and I refused to listen to it or entertain it. That same voice is telling you that you need to join a gym and lose weight because your credibility with your blog depends on it. It doesn’t!! Katie and anorexia are not synonymous or interchangeable. Making yourself underweight so that everyone will know you are ill doesn’t change anything, including the expectations of others. I do understand how easy it is to do that, not from the perspective of eating disorders, but certainly from OCD. The only expectations that I think it really changes is the expectations we have of ourselves. Your mental illness isn’t unique. Lots of people have mental illnesses and all of us have symptoms that are common to many others. There are some unique features that fit in with our particular personalities, but that doesn’t make us so different that our illness is untreatable while someone else’s is. Don’t give that eating disorder voice that power or credit for ingenuity or intelligence because it is undeserved. You are unique because you are Katie. The things that make you unique have nothing to do with your anorexia because anorexia really isn’t unique at all. Neither can anorexia change who Katie is. No matter how hard we strive to hide behind our illness, it doesn’t have the power to change who we are inside. No one would stop reading your blog because you started getting healthier. In fact, it would add another dimension to your blog. I am not reading your blog because I want to see how sick you are and I would suspect that is true of everyone else. Getting better only adds to your blog, it doesn’t detract. You have many interesting things to say whether it is about mental illness, penguins, or any other subject you intend to take on. The eating disorder voice will always try to dissuade you from moving forward, just as my OCD voice will. I believe that you are smart and savvy enough to know the difference because I see it in writing so often. You are a brilliant young lady with a clever and brilliant mind. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard and I have great empathy for the struggle that comes with it. When I read your blog I don’t want to hear what the eating disorder voice has to say because I have heard it before and the truth is that it really is rather repetitive and one dimensional. Katie is not one dimensional and I would much rather hear what she has to say no matter what she weighs!! I hope that none of this has offended you.
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This comment was not offensive in the slightest and it came across perfectly. Thank you so much for such a long and poignant comment. Truly I don’t know what to say other than thank you. Your words have really helped speak to and resonate with me today. You are amazing, love to you and all of the family ❤ xxxx
Oh my, part of that could be misunderstood. I was saying that the eating disorder voice is very predictable and one dimensional. Your blog is certainly not. I apologize if that didn’t come across well.
Katie, I see so many wise words above from all these great people that read your blog and comment. I am hoping you’ll find it all helpful!
EXTREMELY HELPFUL. Thank you for being so amazing xxx