So it has happened. My parents have finally had enough of my mental health problems and consequently I am being forced to move out this week on July 14th 2018 (it was supposed to be Friday the 13th but when I realised the date I, being a very superstitious bean, begged for an extra night at home.) I am absolutely dreading it and could not be more terrified if I tried (not that I imagine anyone would try to be more terrified than they were in any given situation…that would be weird). It is what I have been dreading my whole life, leaving home, especially now when things are particularly prickly in my old brain, but that is why I have to leave.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not being kicked out with nothing more than a bag of my belongings and a tent, I am in fact going to live in a small flat my mum and I bought with some inheritance money (god bless Grandma and Grandad), but at this stage in my life I think I would be terrified even if I were moving into the Ritz. A lot of fellow 26 year olds may read this and think that there isn’t much to be afraid of, but I am not your average 26 year old and I don’t know how to do anything I should have learnt by now. Because of my OCD I have never done a load of washing nor do I know how to, I have never changed a bed sheet, done a weekly shop for food, nor have I ever paid a bill. Ok my parents will be living five minutes away and will hopefully help me out a bit for the first few weeks but within a month of me moving in they will be jetting off to Malaysia for their summer holiday and consequently I will be all alone in my flat with no safety net for two and a half weeks. I don’t know quite what else to say other than that I am crying as I type this as I have never been so scared in all my life. I cannot believe it has actually come to this.
My parents have mentioned that they couldn’t cope with me before, but I always figured that we would work it out like those previous times, yet this week there is no working out, I am actually going and it makes my stomach do all those fancy somersaults you see trapeze artists do in the circus just thinking about it. I just wish I could have recovered from all my illnesses before now so that it never had to come to this. To be fair I guess a lot of people my age are moving out from home, if not now then earlier, but i simply don’t feel ready. Maybe nobody ever feels ready to move away from home and maybe this is normal, but regardless I don’t like it at all. I want to stay at home in my childhood house where I grew up with my mum and dad. I want to live in my room that I have slept in for 26 years and I want to shower in the same shower I have used for all of that time too. I want to pour water from the same kitchen tap I have lived with all my life and I want to sit on the same sofa I have sat on for every movie marathon I have ever had with my mum. I am not ready to be alone, being alone is my biggest fear and now I am being forced to face it head on. I don’t know what I am going to do with myself. It is pathetic but because of my mental illnesses I have become so dependant on my parents that I seriously have no idea how to manage without them. How do I wake up without my mum there to help me get ready in the morning? How do I prepare food alone with all the voices screaming in my head? How do I avoid alcohol as I have been trying to and failing to do for the past month? How do I get through the day? How do I go to bed? How do I breathe? How on earth do I survive?
I know I must sound extremely melodramatic and immature to be worrying about all these things at my age, but I think that when you have mental illnesses your ageing process slows down so in reality I am mentally nowhere near where I should be in comparison to other people my age. I have written about it before but I must reiterate the fact that when other people were growing up and learning to do all these things, I was too busy washing my hands or starving myself or crying into a pillow because I was so depressed. I never did the usual teenage rebellion of independence, I never snuck out of the house, dated people who were bad for me or got grounded, because I never had time to do anything wrong. I was mental, that was my identity and it still is and now I am going to have to live as this mental lunatic alone, with no idea how to cope.
I guess my message this week then is that if you are mentally ill and are still living at home, seek help now before it gets to the stage where you have to leave home and figure it out alone too. Seek help now and learn to be independent before it is too late, cherish living with loved ones before they run out of patience and cherish knowing that there are people there when you struggle. Hopefully within the next few weeks I will be getting a carer from social services to help me figure all of this out in my flat, but for now that carer isn’t available so like I said I will be trying to do it all myself. Just please seek help out there even if you have the most loving parents in the world as I have, because at some point, with mental illness, everybody breaks down and gets to the point where they cannot manage. It feels weird to think that the next time I post a blog it will be from inside my new flat. I still cannot quite believe it, although I am sure reality will kick in and I will realise what is happening soon enough. Until then I hope you are all well and are keeping yourselves safe.
Take care everyone x
Born without marbles 
Hi. Good to see you writing Marbles (or Kate…I still like calling you by your blog name…sorry not sorry, is that okay? idk).
I just want to say good luck, I know you find the new flat idea very difficult, but you are a tough cookie/bean too. And just cos it feels very difficult and scary and it isn’t easy, doesn’t mean it is really impossible, it could all work out fine, and fingers crossed everything will work out fine eventually! Don’t “catastrophise” it, try and think of positives and things you can learn to improve. Here’s a positive; if it even goes slightly okay, it means your relationship with your parents will get much better, because they will feel better!
And read this about what “catastrophising” is because it is quite a helpful mental health anxiety kinda concept I think. https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-catastrophizing/
Lots of luck and <3's!! ^_^
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OMG I CATASTROPHISE ALL THE TIME! That is like my thing right there! I will have to take your advice and try to think of the positives like you said. I hope I am as tough as you think I am! Argh! Thank you for your support at this difficult time, much love and hugs xxxxx P.s feel free to call me Marbles as much as you like, I love it hehe
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^_^ glad it could be helpful!!!! 😀 ^_^ 😀 coplbeans i will do in future!
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You are not alone. It might be that you are on your own at times in your new flat, but you are not alone. You’ve got the support of your parents, friends, random blog readers all rooting for you. And change is always a nervous time, and especially moving out. So don’t think you are odd in being worried about it, pretty much everyone is. From what I’ve read on your blog you have persistence, so you can do it. There will be things you realise you don’t know how to do (good grief, in my 30s I still have to phone my mum and dad for ‘how to’ questions sometimes), but I am sure you will also surprise yourself with what you can do. Maybe not as much as you would like, but look for the small (or big) victories.
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Aww, thank you so much for this. I must say being lonely is the thing I fear most in the flat but knowing I have people like you and other blog readers supporting me means a lot and will hopefully help with that feeling. Thank you so much for making me feel less alone, that was really kind of you. I hope you are having a fabulous day, much love xx
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I know this is a new and scary situation but I think it will be good for. One of my biggest fears in life is being alone. I’m so scared of leaving my house and my parents. But I think having my own place could be very good for me. So yeah, even though it’s scary I think you can benefit from this experience. Good luck my dear! And if you need something I’m always here!
Kisses from Portugal ❤
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Thank you so much! Shows how similar we are too because being alone is MY biggest fear too. Hopefully this flat thing will help with that, who knows. Much love and kisses from England xxx
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A few pieces of advice…
– make a meal plan and stick to it like your life depends on it. No variation at ALL.
– do not buy alcohol. Consider cutting up your ID or giving it to your parents to prevent you from being able to buy it
– google is your friend- search ‘how to…’ anything and there’ll be a ton of answers and guides
– try to create a structured routine and stick to it. Getting out the house is useful, seeing people regularly is useful, getting dressed even if you’re not going anywhere is useful
– decorate in a way you like and that makes you feel safe
– create a list of activities you can do if you feel lonely/lost/upset- they can be hard to think of in the moment, so it’s good to have them in advance
– please do not hesitate to call 999 if you need to. Your health is a priority: it has to be.
Moving out is hard, but independence brings many new gains. I was terrified to leave home, and now I struggle to be there for more than a couple days- my flat is my home now!
If I’m being brutally honest, I’m concerned about your ability to be safe alone, but I also understand that your parents need to create some healthy distance. I hope you can get some help soon and continue on your journey to become the person you want to be.
xx
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This is all really good advice, so I’m seconding it.
Just wanted to wish you luck tomorrow marbles, thinking of ya!
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Thank you pal, you are awesome xx
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Wow! This is such an amazing comment I might have to print it out and stick it on my wall! Seriously this is all really good advice! Gah I don’t know what to say other than thank you for going to so much effort to give me such wisdom I really appreciate it! I promise I will read this comment many times over the coming weeks until all of the words of advice are burned into my brain! Thank you so much for your support and help at this scary time, you are awesome. I hope you are having a fabulous day, Much love and hugs xxxx
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I moved out when I was 23, in between hospital admissions. I wouldn’t say I was kicked out, but I could sense my dad was DONE. The hardest part is the first couple of months, moving in, setting everything up, getting into a routine etc. Bills these days are all done by direct debit, so once you’ve set everything up, that’s it! I’m on benefits (UK) so the money goes in and out of my bank, and I don’t have to do anything (other than like, a gas meter reading now and then). Those first phone calls and stuff were sooo difficult, but then… it’s done! And literally anything you need to know is online – YouTube is your new bestie! How To EVERYTHING! Do laundry, fold a sheet, read a gas meter, make a bed, use a vacuum, file paperwork … ! And your local council has everything on their website too, stuff like when your bin collection is.
I’ll be honest – I’ve been in my flat for 11 years, and most of it has been pretty crap. But I’m still here. I’ve kept myself alive (and my two kitties) and all my bills are in order, no debt etc. I haven’t burned the place down. It’s been so so hard at times, but with help I’ve stayed afloat. I feel safe here, and it’s mine. My safe little part of the world.
It is worth it. It’s not easy, but every single challenge you face is a giant eff you to mental illness. I CHANGED A LIGHTBULB MYSELF, so eff you depression! Hehe! I hope things work out with your support person. Don’t be tempted to hand control from your parents to the new carer, you know? You can do more for yourself than you believe! You just have to do that terrifying, seemingly-impossible thing of taking a risk and trying. I believe in you!
Message me if I can help in any way xx thatonelisa on IG
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Aww thank you so much, that really helps to hear from someone who has been in a similar position to the one I am in. I would love to be able to change a lightbulb myself one day and say “Eff you depression” too! Thank you for your support at this difficult time and for teaching my about the Youtube community help which I didn’t know a lot about before! With tips like that I can do anything! Thank you for being awesome, you are fabulous xxxx
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I’m thinking of you! You’re going to be fine. I don’t know if this helps, but remember that emergency services/999 can reach you just as easily at your new apartment. It may feel less safe than your parents’ house but it’s actually equally safe. You could get a walkie talkie set to talk to your parents in a super direct and immediate way that would also make you feel like a team of detectives. Get a big therapy dog that will sit on you if you start freaking out. Just keep reminding yourself “this is a solvable problem.” Many thousands of people live independently even when they aren’t fully functional, like old people for example. Or me. Neighbors look in, help is a phone call away. I’ve always wanted one of those panic buttons that old people wear on a necklace in case they fall down. You can get one for a fairly small monthly fee in the US. I don’t have one because I’d just push it every time I had an anxiety attack, but they’re still an excellent idea. Stuffed animals are good to talk to. Google Maria Bamford’s song “The Dark.” She always cheers me up. You will be all right.
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Thank you so much for this! Now I really want a walkie talkie set hehe! I want to be a detective! It is also funny you mentioned talking to stuffed animals because I have a penguin I have been boring with rather long conversations…I think I need a pet like you said! Ah well! Thank you for this comment, I really appreciate your kindness ❤ xxxx
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Oh, and I second Jess’s wise comment about calling 999 if you start getting any bad ideas. Sometimes when things get a bit much you just have to check yourself into the brain hotel for the weekend. Happens to us all!
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Noted! Thank you!
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