Is Suicide Selfish?

/ bornwithoutmarbles

Whenever the topic of suicide is discussed, several adjectives will magically appear depending on the speaker’s opinion on the issue. Over the years I have heard it described as “tragic”, an act of “desperation”, something “incomprehensible” to those surrounding the victim, something “unexpected”, and all of these are valid words to use. One of the adjectives that I hear come up that I strongly disagree with however, is the idea that suicide, and thus the people who “commit” suicide, are selfish.

Obviously I cannot speak for everyone who has ever struggled with suicidal thoughts, attempted or committed suicide, but for me, when I am feeling suicidal, it is actually the idea of continuing to live that feels like the selfish option (I am not saying that this idea is right and that therefore people should start killing themselves all over the place…DON’T DO THAT…I am just being honest and saying how it feels.)

Depending on how well you know me, whether you are a casual blog peruser, an online pal or friend/family member in real life, you may or may not be aware that I am currently in what all the professional psychology people around me may call, “in crisis”, although I personally prefer the term “in one hell of a pickle”. “In crisis” might be more professional and accurate a term, but if I am going to be in the state I am currently in, I would at least like the silver lining of naming it something a little less frightening than “in crisis”, and a little more related to the process of preserving some kind of food by anaerobic fermentation in brine or vinegar. As you can see I am all about finding the fun where I can/describing myself in ways that make people think of cheese sandwiches.

I don’t want to freak anyone out or make anyone panic by what I am going to say in this post and I want to reassure everyone that I have a hell of a lot of people on my pickle like case at the moment. Professional people keep phoning me (not that I answer because I am terrified of phones but they try anyway), I am having appointments all over the place, meetings are being held, I am never left alone and my mum has even been sleeping in my bed a lot to keep me safe on the really bad nights where I am really out of control. Therefore whatever I say in this post, please REMAIN CALM AND KEEP YOUR ARMS AND LEGS INSIDE THE VEHICLE AT ALL TIMES.

So, I don’t really know what exactly has sparked off my predicament and has caused things to get worse than they already were (it isn’t just the recent appendix thing…I actually wrote this blog post before all that and am editing this bit in now…hello!), but truth be told, a lot of the time I have been feeling like an outsider watching my own life and my actions in it.

You know when you have been reading a book for a really long time, flicking through the pages without really noticing until you suddenly stop and realise that you only have one chapter left. When you read that last chapter it sort of feels different to all the chapters that came before it because you know that this is the end. It doesn’t matter how many cliffhangers or revelations are being whipped out by the author, you are holding the book and you can see there are only a few pages left. It doesn’t matter if there are still mysteries to solve, if the monster hasn’t been vanquished yet, you know it is the end because you can FEEL it and see it just as you can see the handful of pages that is left.

That is how I feel when I look at my life. I feel like a reader on the outside of my story knowing that of all the mental health crises I have had before, this is the last one, the one the story is going to end on. No matter how hard I look, I cannot see any pages past this, any way around it, this time it is all too much, the pain is just too intense. Sometimes when I have been in difficult situations and have been extremely suicidal in the past I have been able to see it as something that I will eventually get through, I might know that it is impossible to feel that any emotion is forever, yet somehow this time it feels different. I feel different.

I am having a dramatic breakdown practically every day and rely on medication most nights just to keep me safe. Being conscious is currently so unbearable and overwhelming that I have been napping for hours each day just to get through them, the small tasks I set myself for the day have mainly been reduced to “just try to keep breathing” rather than anything productive on top of a task that most people take as fairly mandatory. Even that task however is getting harder by the day, and to be blunt, I physically cannot do “this” much longer.

I am putting all of my effort in and trying so hard, but there is only so much effort, only so much that one person can physically take before they crumble. Every time you drive over a bridge there will be a road sign telling you how much weight that bridge can take to warn you that if your vehicle is over that limit you might want to find an alternative route. It isn’t because the bridge gives up or isn’t trying when something that heavy passes over it, it is because it physically can only withstand so much.
Due to all of this, my family, friends and professionals are putting a LOT of effort in to try and help me through it and I appreciate it more than I can say. I can hand on heart say that I would not be here if it weren’t for the insane amount of support I am getting from the people around me, yet that is what is prompting me to think that actually the unselfish thing would be to just get on with it, end things and stop them having to put in so much of their time.

Even if they love me, even if they want to help, in concrete, factual and unemotional terms, it would be a lot easier for everyone if I wasn’t here anymore, and rather than suicide feeling like the selfish option, it is forcing people to carry on putting all their efforts in to keep me alive that feels selfish. When I am struggling with suicidal thoughts and the feeling that that is the only option as I am now, I am not thinking “screw everyone else I am in pain and I am going to end it whether they like it or not”, I am thinking “I really think this is the only option. The best thing to do for ALL of us.”

Like I said I am so incredibly grateful for all of the love and support I have been receiving lately, but at the same time I can’t help but feel incredibly guilty. My parents are constantly on tenterhooks (I don’t know what a tenterhook actually is but they are certainly on them), they are scared to ever leave me in a room by myself and they are called into my room increasingly frequently by me screaming in my sleep due to some nightmare. My therapy team are having to make extra appointments, extra meetings to make sure everyone is on the same page, texting me, phoning me, and generally suffering under an increased work load simply because I am unable to manage right now.

I have amazing and wonderful friends taking the time to visit me at my house when I do not feel able to leave it, they read my texts at 4am, tell me they love me when all I can see is hatred, they send me letters in the post, cards, even parcels containing amazingly wonderful things like books about penguins who have a tendency to worry a lot (if you have never heard of the “Worried Arthur” books then good God you need to look into them because they are FABULOUS), cuddly penguins and a myriad of other wonderful things that I am so grateful for and touched by, that saying thank you doesn’t do justice to what I think.

Think of how much effort that is for people to be worrying in the middle of the night, reassuring some lunatic who will only worry about the thing they are being reassured about again in half an hour even after great advice, spending money on presents and letters. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EXPENSIVE POSTAGE IS? A FIRST CLASS STAMP IS 65p…AND THAT IS JUST FOR A LETTER. For a parcel you are talking £5.70 and again, that is only if the parcel comes from within England! If it is from another country it is even more than that! You can’t just whack a crown on your head, snap a selfie, print it and stick it to a letter pretending to be a stamp, (trust me that doesn’t work…not that I have tried it myself…ahem…*removes crown and smiles sheepishly*), you have to pay if you want the postman to carry your parcel to someone, and that is then more effort for the postal service! I AM FORCING THE GOOD HONEST WORKERS OF THE ROYAL MAIL TO CARRY PARCELS OF PENGUINS TO MY HOUSE. They could be at home with their families! And £5.70 for a parcel stamp? You could get six two litre tubs of vanilla ice cream for that price and you would have 18p left! You could get 1120g of chocolate buttons and still have 30p left jangling in your purse! I AM DEPRIVING PEOPLE OF ICE CREAM AND CHOCOLATE BUTTONS. DEAR GOD I AM A MONSTER.

As you can see then, rightly or wrongly, when suicide is the only option I can see, the only way out of this utter hell of a brain situation, it is not because I am selfish and don’t care about how that might affect other people. Indeed it is the benefit my disappearance would be to everyone, that is actually one of the arguments my mind throws at me in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep and I am too afraid to close my eyes incase I see the things that make me scream.

Like I said, I am not saying in any way that I think it is selfish to not kill yourself and I am NOT ADVOCATING SUICIDE IN ANY WAY AND WOULD ADVISE ANYONE WHO IS IN A SIMILAR SITUATION TO REACH OUT FOR HELP. If you do not have a therapy team and family around you I will put a link below to some of the charities out there who can help you, I am just writing this post to try to explain to the people who may think that people who commit suicide are selfish how it feels for some people who really are struggling with suicidal thoughts.

If you are one of the people who is currently supporting me I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I am really sorry that I am putting you through all of this stress, worry and effort. I promise I am trying. I promise I am looking for pages that could make a next chapter. I really hope that I find them. I wish I could be better for all of you. You deserve so much more.

I love you all so very much.

Take care everyone x

SelfishSuicide

Phone Helplines:

Samaritans – National freephone number: 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

SANEline –  National number is 0300 304 7000. They are open 6pm–11pm, 365 days a year.

The Silver Line – If you are over the age of 55, this service is open 24 hours a day 365 days a year and their number that you can call from anywhere in the UK is 0800 4 70 80 90 (freephone).

CALM – Helpline for men experiencing distressing thoughts and emotions. Their national number is 0800 58 58 58. Open from 5pm–midnight, 365 days a year.

 

26 thoughts on “Is Suicide Selfish?”

  1. Katie, I know that this will be of little help in your current situation, but even though I don’t know you, you are SUCH a lovable person. You write so beautifully and eloquently and humorously – if you no longer posted your blogs, I would really miss you. You can make me laugh – however crap I’m feeling -and always seem to know the right issue to focus on, and the best way to put it into words. Although everything may seem bleak at the moment (I know I’ve been there multiple times) a funny, warm-hearted, bright, talented girl like you DESERVES to be on this earth. Don’t lose hope – I can see you as a major voice and mental health campaigner in the future – and we never know what some crazily intelligent scientist might come up with one day to make things easier in the future! You could be missing out on so much fun to come! In the meantime, it’s clear that your parents love you very much – you going would be so much worse and cause such unimaginable pain to them. You’re clearly the most cherished thing in their world. I’m sorry if this is triggering in anyway or completely unhelpful- just know I’m sending you huge virtual hugs (My OCD finds them the best kind of hug anyway!) xxxx

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    • OH MY GOODNESS LOVELY HUMAN I WANT TO GIVE YOU ALL OF THE AWARDS. Hilariously I got to the end of this comment and was thinking “Oh my goodness this is the most helpful comment” and then I read the “sorry if this is triggering or unhelpful bit”. I can assure you that it was neither of those things and was 100% wonderful! You genuinely gave me a boost and have made me feel like maybe I am not as much of a pain which is a really big deal! Thank you so much for being so lovely to me and about my blog, that support means the world and my favourite bit of this comment is the bit about “I can see you as a major voice and mental health campaigner”. Often I find it hard to think of a reason to carry on but when you said that I felt a little burst of hope and “OMG YES I WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT IF THAT WAS EVER POSSIBLE I DEFINITELY HAVE TO FIGHT TO STICK AROUND AND GET THERE”. You may have said that you don’t know me but to be honest after this kindness I would say you have suddenly been upgraded automatically from stranger to “lovely friend” because this has been genuinely helpful. Thank you so so so much for this, you are a very special bean. Sending huge hugs back (also the virtual ones…my OCD is a fan too) and please know I am always here if YOU need support/a friend. Much love xxxx

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  2. Keep trying keep trying keeeep trying (the last one said like keeeep dancing at the end of strictly come dancing, only less frivolous). People are rallying around you and doing all they can cause they can see through to the other chapters even if you can’t. Like when Harry is in kings cross and he chooses to go on, there’s more chapters after that but he doesn’t know while he’s there. (Though that’s lost on you if you haven’t read Deathly Hallows…) I can safely say even though I don’t know them everyone who is helping you really wants to, and wants you to be better a zillion times more than they’d ever want you to be not there.
    With more love than you could possibly absorb , Alice xx

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    • Thank you so much for this reassurance! Honestly coming from you it is especially helpful because you are one of the people I worry about burdening with all my nonsense! Like you have a proper important job…ain’t nobody got time for added lunatics on top! That said, I am incredibly grateful that you don’t mind lunatics on top of that and put in all the effort and support you do. I still smile and get comfort from my penguin book every day. It is beside my bed. Really appreciate you sticking with me, I hope I can repay you somehow. Sending more love than even an aubergine could absorb (they absorb soup and oil really well so I am guessing they would be able to absorb unlimited amounts of love too). xxx P.s “If you haven’t read deathly hallows”…DO YOU KNOW ME AT ALL? MATE I AM STILL CRYING ABOUT THAT BOOK!

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  3. Katie, I would never think that your suicidal thoughts were selfish. You have lived in so much pain for so long and life has been so very, very hard for you. I’m not surprised that you feel that way but please don’t ever think that you would make life easier for anyone by not being here. I know how much your mum and dad do for you and the constant strain that they are under but it is so much worse for you and they know that. You are very precious to everyone that knows you and I constantly think of you and your situation. Please, please understand that if you weren’t here life would be so much harder for those that love you as there would be a Katie shaped hole that would always be there and you’re mum and dad would be tormented by it for the rest of their lives. All our lives would be changed by that and I cannot imagine you gone, Katie. Please know how much we love you, unconditionally xx.

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    • Thank you so so much Joy, this comment was one of those comments that makes me cry in the best possible way. Thank you for making me feel worthy and worthwhile at this rather annoying time. Seriously appreciate that reassurance and it is a nice sentiment that I can read back to my head as an argument when it gets too loud. So grateful for all your kindness and support, you are lovely. Hope you are ok and know how wonderful you are. Much love xxxx

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  4. I also don’t think suicide is selfish. But I don’t think fighting for your life is selfish either. Do you?

    You know my sister took her life after a 13 month illness…

    I don’t blame her at all. I probably would’ve done the same, had I been in that position. In fact, it’s pretty amazing she lasted that 13 months. She was in a coma, then had to re-learn how to walk, was in constant pain and could not take medication for it (because of the liver & kidney failure) so things got super bleak. I understand it.

    That being said, it was devastating for my parents (and me) and all of her friends. Trust me when I tell you that you wouldn’t be helping anyone out or making anyone’s lives “easier” by ending your life. People are helping you because they care about you and they want to help. I think they can see more rationally than you can right now. You are not looking at a death sentence here, even if you really think you are. I promise you, you aren’t. Even if the book seems like it’s ending, I think it’s because you’re done with THIS BOOK, but it’s just one in a series. A new book is waiting to be opened.

    I know life seems hopeless, miserable, and I know that it feels like it will always be this way. When my depression is severe, I feel that way too. But that’s very distorted. I would just encourage you to continue doing everything you can to stay safe, use your supports, and challenge these distorted thoughts/beliefs as much as possible.

    Having an immediate family member die (and by taking their life) has had a profound impact on me. I used to think I could kill myself. Now I know that I could never do that to my parents. I saw first hand what the loss of my sister did to them. This was now over 2.5 years ago, and I feel like we’ve all gotten quite fucked up about it and are just now really figuring out how to pick up the pieces. We will always love her and miss her like crazy, for the rest of our lives. It’s a wound that will never fully heal. You will not be helping anyone by ending your life.

    I truly think you will be OK in the next book. Or getting better. And that next book’s not the end of the series either! Sorry to be cheesy but “hang in there!” 🙂

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    • Good lord this hit me. Getting this comment from you aka someone who understands these feelings AND has had tragic experiences related to this topic is honestly really helpful. I think when you are stuck in your head it is often easy to forget all that you said (much like you said), so thank you so much of reminding me of this and for being so supportive on a post that I am feared could have been pretty offensive in a way considering the affect suicide has had on your family. You really are very kind and selfless…You are also really clever and I am vaguely annoyed at myself for not thinking about how books often come in a series…like I claim to want to be a writer and to be this big reader and then I forget sequels and trilogies and all the marvellous things that come after that…I AM ASHAMED. I forgot Harry Potter? It took that kid 7 films and 8 books to reach the end of that story and even then there was a future for him to have beyond the pages…I like your analogy a lot more than mine so I am going to stick to it and throw mine in the trash as a first draft. Whatever the next book is for both of us I hope they are damn good ones. Thank you for being wonderful and for being my friend. xx

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  5. I’m so so sorry you’re in this situation. I wanted to write a comment, but honestly I don’t think a comment from someone you don’t know would magically help your situation. But I can relate to the “last chapter” metaphore. When I was like 13 or 14, I started to feel depressed. And I first started to think about suicide or I would say just destruction of myself. Then I started high school (in my country we go to primary school till 15 and then 4 years of high school) and I feared that I’m not gonna finish it, because I thought I’m no capable to succeed in the final exam. So I said to myself: “You will be dead by the age 18”. Because I was so afraid of the future fail in life. I believed it so much that I didn’t plan ANYTHING (university, career, family, house … nothing). Because I belived that my “book” ends at the age 18. At the age of 16-17 my self-destruction urges were so strong that I decided to starve to death (so anorexia came in). I was so unwell that I thought “This is it this is the end”. But my mum decided that she couldn’t let me die, so I had to go to the hospital (and I was and sometimes still am mad at her because of it). I started taking medication. Now I’m 23 (I’m still struggling a lot, but now I have professional help) and I’m still alive. I don’t really know what I’m reading now, because if my last chapter ended 5 years ago, I assume that there is a lot of advertisment at the end of the book, or I’m reading next novel of the same series. So what I’m trying to say is, you never know if the author doesn’t suddenly decide to make next book. Like maybe you’re at the end of this book, but remember Harry Potter. It took 8 books to reach the happy-end.

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    • Oh my how are you so lovely and kind to me all the time! Thank you so much for this comment, it really gave me hope and meant even extra from someone who knows exactly what this feels like. I am so glad that your mum was there to get you support because you are of such value to this world and I am always grateful that you exist. Like you said, maybe this is the end of one book and there are more in the series…if Harry had ended it all at the end of Philosophers Stone…good lord I don’t even want to think about that! I sincerely hope that both of our series continue to get better (although with less evil wizards than Harry faced…), and I would be honoured to keep reading and fighting alongside you. We must persevere together and always remember great Harry Potter analogies. Thank you once again, remember I am always here to support you if you need. You are wonderful xxxx

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  6. There is very little of substance that I could add to the wonderful comments and suggestions from your other readers, so I am going to start by saying……….WHAT THEY SAID!!! I will tell you that I have been on both sides of this. OCD and eating disorders are very black and white….all or nothing. That is a distortion. I know what it is like to feel that hopelessness that comes with OCD. It was during that time that, since I had nothing to lose, I might as well challenge those thoughts and try not doing my usual routine of trying to keep everyone safe from my thoughts. The end of this story is that it is better. It comes and goes, but my distress tolerance is much better. You have put the book down for awhile. OCD makes us think that we have no control, but we do. You haven’t lost your strength or ability to function forever, you just can’t access them right now; not forever, just for now. The only one sure thing in this life is change and this will change. I have also been on the side of a parent who nearly lost her son to anorexia. That loss wouldn’t have been something I could have recovered from. Going on with my life, yes, by necessity, but I wouldn’t have ever been the same. All of us, him included, were a team fighting a common enemy. That enemy had its hands around his throat, so to speak, and we were all fighting together. He would have fought and will fight if the enemy gets another team member. Your team loves you and you are part of that team. You are, right this very minute, helping to fight mental illness. Your blog sheds light on it every week. Your readers benefit from your words. That girl who can find humor in the midst of so much pain is a warrior. I can easily see you leading the charge and directing the battle plan against mental illness some day. You would be there if your team member needed you and you wouldn’t ever think they were a burden or better dropped from the team. They don’t either. Most people are honored to be needed. Keep reaching out, they need to be needed and they need you too. It was when my son hit bottom (maybe where you are now) when he realized he had nothing left to lose and began doing different things and challenging his thoughts and eating different foods. It isn’t the same for everyone, but I hope it gives you some hope to know that he is married now and moving on with his life. I remember a time when I couldn’t have imagined that chapter existing in that disaster of a book. Neither could he! You can put the book down for awhile, Katie, but you don’t have to burn it. Don’t let that OCD voice tell you there is nothing left because that voice couldn’t pick the truth out of a crowd of one. As I have said before,…………this is far from over. Keep reaching out.

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    • That bit about your son made me cry and annoyingly I am typing this on my laptop where I cannot use emojis but please imagine a hell of a lot of them right now! It always makes me hopeful when I hear of people who found a better place beyond rock bottom. It makes me think it must exist or else how could they find it? You are exactly right when you said about the black and white thing. THAT is my brain. Everything is great or everything is terrible and that is the problem because when I feel like this I forget all the nice hopeful things like the ones you said in this comment that actually DO make me feel better when I am reminded of them. I so desperately want to get to that future of leading the change and being a voice that will help further mental health treatment. It is literally the one thing that makes me think, alongside of my family and friends of course, that THAT possible future is something I WANT to stick around for. And how extra awesome would it be if that happened and I would have this “last chapter feeling” to reflect on and tell people about when I have found the next one just like your son. Thank you so much for giving me hope. You are right in everything you say. I won’t leave the team. As they say, when you are going through hell, keep going. If your son has found another side then I will find it too. Thank you so much for your endless loveliness and support. Much love to you and all of the family xxxx

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  7. After Harry Potter there were films, now a play (in two parts) and spinoffs and prequels aplenty. Your life WILL change and grow like the HP world, and I know my life would be so so so so so so so so so so so much emptier without you in it – you don’t see how wonderful you are and how much more YOU deserve. Your friends and family deserve only to be able to help you write those sequels, those new chapters, that excellent Netflix spinoff series starring two sister witches (say what? Harry Potter: The Hilda amd Zelda Show?) I love you so much and i hate that you are hurting, but I hope the future you have as a kickass mental health campaigner, spokesperson, blogger, novelist and all round queen queer will shine brighter in your mind and carry you through. I love you with all my heart and never ever ever want you to leave xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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    • Sequels and chapters and a spinoff series with Harry Potter AND Hilda and Zelda? Damn I’m in! I promise I will keep fighting and hanging on with the hopes of that wonderful future you think could actually be a reality. I would be silly to believe mental illness nonsense over my beautiful friend. Love you forever and always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  8. Hello, I am a random person who you don’t know, obviously, but I can’t help chiming in. Your videos comfort me and help me cope with my anxiety disorder and depression. I selfishly want them to continue, speaking of selfishness. Sometimes I feel that I’m a burden and a disappointment to my family but they tell me I’m not, and anyway that’s life. Problems for everyone. If my parents didn’t have me, they might have a goiter. They might have had no children at all and been bored and lonely and developed a gambling addiction. They might have been born during caveman times and crushed by a mastodon. Instead, they merely have to endure frequent hysterical phone calls from their adult daughter who lives in a large city but is afraid of the subway, noise, grocery stores, winter, and people. And relationships and travel. And emails and dogs. Cosmically, overall, they got off lightly. We all have to play our Bingo card. That’s what helps me when I occasionally think about polishing myself off so I am sharing it with you. Plus I know I give them joy as well as grief; you give your parents the same. You’re wonderful and you cheer me up. Stay strong, or at least stay here. Thank you for everything you create. (I also recommend the book Cold Comfort Farm if you haven’t read it already. That’s what my name is from.)

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    • Thank you so so so so so much for this comment! To let you know how much of an impact this comment had on me, I will let you know that it not only mentally helped but it changed my day plans! That might not sound like a big deal but as someone who hates change trust me that is a big deal! When I woke up this morning I felt rubbish and resigned myself to staying in bed. Then I checked my phone and found this comment and it was so lovely and comforting that I actually found myself having a little smile in my duvet cocoon. You made me feel worth something today, reassured and make a damn good and helpful argument when it comes to that whole “everyone has to deal with stuff” point. I am really sorry that you are struggling and also often find yourself hysterical on the end of a telephone so I hope you know that I am here to support and help you if you ever need a friend because you have certainly done that for me today. Not only did I get out of bed after reading your comment but I decided to force myself to try and film the September tea party. I haven’t felt like talking for days and have been putting it off but you made me think “Damn it there is a lovely person out there struggling who for some reason appreciates my existence so I am going to put the effort in to try and support them like they have supported me”. It took me a while and I really hope that it won’t disappoint because I was a bit all over the place (it really is not my best!) but whenever it is uploaded (aka next week), I really hope that it is ok/serves of some kind of comfort to you somehow, and that you watch it in the knowledge that it wouldn’t have been filmed today without you! Thank you so much for being so kind and for supporting and helping me today, I am sorry for this long reply but I really wanted you to know how much I appreciate you reading and supporting my blog and then leaving lovely comments that make me smile. Like I said, I am always here if you need a friend. Seriously, thank you. It is people like you who make me want to fight. Sending lots of love and hope you have a fabulous day. You are wonderful. xxx (p.s I have Cold Comfort Farm on my list of books that I want to read and I haven’t got round to it yet! After this comment I will jolly well hurry up and get my hands on a copy! Thank you, I LOVE BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS x

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      • HURRAH. Thank you thank you. Although it is for all of us, I secretly consider this my tea party and it is excellent. I laughed hysterically at “You know that thing you won’t survive? We’re going to do it right now!” Depressed persons have a slightly warped sense of humor. Brava to the scrappy leader of our band of formerly lonely tea drinkers. In honor of your getting out of bed to make this video, I rode the subway four stops and back using only one extra anti-anxiety pill. Your hair looks amazingly stylish and volume-y especially considered you just almost died several times in a row. We shall overcome.

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      • Yay! Thank you! I am sure you can assure you that although the tea party is technically for everyone, you are a VIP guest, especially for this one! I was thrilled and SO proud to hear that you rode the subway like that, makes all the challenge worth it. I hope you don’t mind but I even showed my mum this comment and she said “wow what a fighter” so yay for you! Also if you ever want to know about my hair care routine and how I keep it volume filled, basically know that my hair care is pretty much “run fingers through it frequently when stressed aka all the time”. YAY VOLUME. Have a fabulous day ☺️ keep fighting xx

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  9. Hi Katie,
    I just wanted you to know that last time I was extremely suicidal, it was your post on pink and blue marbles that got me through it. Your presence on this planet DOES make a difference, and even though I barely know you, I can see that there are still more chapters for you to read, even if you can’t.
    Steph (singingbutterflies)

    (Random question… do you have to approve these comments before they are visible to everyone?)

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    • Hi Steph! Thank you so much for this comment, that means so much to me! I know it sounds silly considering I put my blog online for people to read but when you said that you had read my pink and blue post I got so excited and all “OMG STEPH READ THAT I AM SO LUCKY!”. Means even more knowing that it helped you and I can assure you that this comment has helped me and made a difference to me today/at this rough time! I am so glad to have “met” you/to have found you as a person in my life. You are a valuable human bean and I will trust you on that chapter thing because you are lovely and lovely people should always be trusted (Unless they are offering you sweets and telling you to get into a van…). Thank you for your support and for being so kind, sending lots of love and hope you know that I am always here xxxx

      P.s Yes, every time a comment is sent I randomly have to hit the approve button before it shows up to everyone. Don’t worry though, you will have my universal approval forever and always! VIP marble buddy I say!

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  10. Oh Katie, I wish I knew what to say. I remember feeling exactly this way when I was in crisis. My family repeatedly told me that I wasn’t a burden/that they would be devastated if I died, but to me THAT was selfish. I remember thinking, ‘why should I have to live this life and suffer just because you want me to? I didn’t ask to be born’ etc.

    I know you feel worthless and hopeless at the moment, but please believe me when I say the world would most certainly be a poorer place without you in it – just look at all the people you help by writing your blog. I think of you often (in fact today I saw a penguin calendar in the shops and thought of you!) You are witty, intelligent, thoughtful and kind and I have always imagined you doing something amazing using your lived experiences in the future – perhaps becoming an inspirational speaker, or writing about your experiences etc. You deserve to be in this world and you deserve to be supported at this time, just as any other human does when they are in crisis.

    I know that everything you feel now is very real, but people are surrounding you and supporting you – let them. That’s what friends, family and professionals are for. It’s sounds trite, but ‘suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem’. Things won’t always seem this bad. You are a tough cookie and I know you’ve got the resources to pull yourself through this.

    Thinking of you and sending love ❤ xx

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    • Thank you so so much Catherine. As usual I hate hearing that you can relate to this but do find it so comforting to know I am not some lone weirdo and I have to admit that I have also thought many of the things you mentioned during times of crisis. It is so lovely to hear that you thought of me when you saw that penguin calendar. Is it weird to say that that kind of thing makes me feel more alive? Like I often feel so out of it and disconnected from everything that I feel I am on a different planet so when people say that they can see me on their planet and think of me I am all “ooh there are other people here who can see me”. That is a very bad explanation of it but it is the best I have for now! I will use your kind words and support to push on in my mission to keep being a tough cookie (with chocolate chips and peanut butter). Thank you for being my friend and for being there for me. Hope you are ok, much love xxxx

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